


Inde morte quamlibet

by cthink



Series: Death is inevitable [1]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Crying, Death, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-23
Updated: 2015-12-30
Packaged: 2018-05-08 19:03:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 5,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5509535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cthink/pseuds/cthink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Calum was falling, and no one could catch him.</p><p>OR</p><p>Calum's spiral into depression through the eyes of everyone around him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Faerirye](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Faerirye/gifts).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael was scared.

Michael was scared.

Calum had been Michael's best friend for as long as he could remember. The minute they met, something just clicked. Being with Calum just felt right. And they made each other happy. At least, they tried to.

Michael was scared that recently, despite his strongest efforts, Calum wasn't happy. Everything the kiwi boy usually loved doing seemed to have become a chore for him. He dreaded going onstage, refused to go out for the night with Michael or the others, didn't want to leave the tour bus at all.

But it was fine. It was just a phase, a mood swing. That's what Michael told himself; what he forced himself to believe. Calum would be fine, there was nothing to be scared about.

Yet Michael was still _scared_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My first fic so I hope you enjoy :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ashton was worried.

Ashton was worried. Since Michael had pointed out what was wrong to him and Luke, Ashton couldn't help but notice Calum getting worse and worse.

Calum had something about him that made you fall in love with him as soon as you met him. He was always the happiest, always the one to crack a joke at the most inappropriate time but still somehow manage to cheer everyone up.

That wasn't the person Ashton saw now. Soon enough, Calum stopped eating. Not completely, but he certainly didn't eat enough. His clothes drowned his now skinny frame, his face was pale and gaunt, and his once bright brunette eyes were nothing more than dull orbs sunken back into their sockets. His fingers shook, his nails were bitten and his hair was a dishevelled mess.

Worst of all, he didn't talk. Not in the sense that he wouldn't tell them what was wrong, he just barely talked at all. The only time you would hear him mumble something was when it was absolutely necessary. It almost angered Ashton, and he felt selfish for it. He just needed to hear that wonderful voice again.

Calum was probably going through something. He'd always been one of the shyest out of the four, never talked much in interviews and mostly left it to the others. And loss of appetite is common...right? Calum would be fine, Ashton would just keep a close eye on him until whatever was bothering the younger boy blew over. He'd be alright.

But Ashton was still _worried_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be soon, hope everyone has a good Christmas :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luke was terrified.

Luke was terrified.

He had never been more scared for someone in all his life. Calum was falling to pieces right in front of him, and he couldn't save him. Luke felt useless.

He felt useless when he lay awake in the early hours of the night in his hotel room, listening to Calum's choked sobs and whimpers and pretending not to hear anything. Watching Calum skilfully empty his plate into the bin when he didn't think anyone was watching, or acting completely oblivious to how Calum would disappear for at least half an hour after every show to cry in the tiny venue toilets.

None of them said a thing. They were too afraid he would close off and refuse to say a word to them ever again. To Luke, Calum was a time bomb. Slowly, quietly ticking away until one day he would just inevitably explode. It scared the shit out of him.

How are you supposed to fix a broken person? None of them knew. They didn't even know what had broken him in the first place. It was all a waiting game. Who would break first?

In Luke's opinion, it was the worst feeling in the world. Desperately needing to help someone but not knowing how. There was absolutely nothing he could do. So he would wait, just like everyone else.

Luke was still _terrified_.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Where's Calum?"

"Hey." Michael muttered, as he made his way over to the table Ashton and Luke were sat at in the hotel restaurant.  
Both of them looked up and smiled at him. However, Ashton's smile was quickly replaced with a frown, and Michael knew what was coming.

"Where's Calum?"  
"Still in bed."

Ashton's frown grew deeper.  
"Why?"  
"I'm letting him have a lie-in" Michael mumbled as he pulled out a chair and sat down, still tired after only just waking up.

"He'll kill you." Luke cut in. "You know he doesn't like waking up late."

"I know, I know. But he barely sleeps anymore, and... I couldn't bring myself to wake him up, y'know? Don't pretend you've not seen how exhausted he's been - it's not like he eats breakfast anyway, is it?" Michael snaps the last sentence, and Luke sighs.

"What about the alarm clock? Won't that wake him?" Ashton asked.

"I turned it off."  
"Jeez..." Luke muttered almost inaudibly and rolled his eyes, but Michael didn't fail to notice.

"If you've got a problem, why don't you go and wake him up?"  
"I just don't want to have to deal with him being moody all day!"

Michael became angry then. "Don't act like whatever this is is his fault!"  
"Who's fault is it then? Mine, Michael? Ashton's? Yours?" Luke sneered.   
Michaels mouth opened to say something, and then shut again.  
"We're not responsible for him! Shit, Michael, we can't blame ourselves for what he does. I don't know what's got him in such a mood, but it isn't our fault!"

"It isn't his either!" Michael slammed his glass of apple juice down, some of it sloshing onto the table. He stared into Luke's eyes for at least ten seconds before Luke finally looked away.

"Fuck you, Michael."  
"That's enough! I've had enough of this. I think everyone's just tired, okay?" Ashton glared intently at them both. "This is no ones fault. If we want to help him, then it's no use arguing. That's not helping anyone. Got it?"

Michael stared down at his piece of toast. He wasn't even hungry. Instead, he felt sick. 'Maybe this is how Calum feels,' a tiny voice says in the back of his mind.   
"Got it." He said, before leaving the two of them and walking quickly away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chapter :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something wasn't right at all.

After failing to find Michael, Ashton went back up to the rooms to wake Calum, seeing as they only had 20 minutes before they had to leave.  
When he got there, the younger boy was still fast asleep, tangled up in the sheets.

Ashton didn't want to wake him up - he knew this was probably the largest amount of sleep Calum had gotten in weeks, but the longer he left it, the angrier the kiwi would be.  
"Cal," Ashton shook the boys shoulder gently in an attempt to wake him. "Calum. We've gotta leave soon, wake up buddy".  
The boy stirred slightly, before blearily opening his tired eyes.

As Ashton stood over him, he noticed how small Calum looked curled up on the bed. How tired and weak. It broke Ashton's heart.

"Ash, what're you..."  
"Your alarm clock didn't go off." Ashton lied. "Cmon, we need to go in twenty minutes."

Instead of the shouting the eldest was expecting to receive, Calum merely nodded back at him, before rubbing his eyes wearily and swinging his legs over the side of the small bed. He paused there for a second, staring at the floor before asking "where's Michael?"

"He, uh.. He just went for a walk."  
"Ah."  
"We'll meet you downstairs, yeah?"  
No reply.

Ashton sighed before leaving the room, and quietly shutting the door behind him. Something was not right. Something wasn't right at all.

Outside the room, Ashton bumped into Michael.  
"Where have you been?" Ashton said quietly, slight anger seeping into his voice.   
"No where." Michael muttered.   
The eldest sighed. "Listen, I know you're angry with Luke, but-"  
"Angry? Yes, I'm very angry! Why would he say those things, Ash?"  
"You know what he's doing, don't you?" Ashton tilted his head in question.  
Michael was confused. "What do you mean?"  
"He's just doing what he does when he's scared. He acts like an asshole and puts on a brave face, but he doesn't really mean it. He's just as scared as me or you, Mike."

Michael sighed. "I don't know how longer I can keep on doing this, Ashton."  
"I know. I don't either."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like it :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing was okay.

As per usual, Calum had been silent all day. Sure, they had all been confined to the tour bus for another day of endless travelling, but he had simply lied in his bunk, avoiding them all.

Luke couldn't really blame him. He hadn't talked much to Michael or Ashton after this morning. He felt guilty, and he knew he should apologise, but he just couldn't.  
It was selfish of him, but he was scared. He knew Ashton understood, anyway.

It was night time, and the four boys were asleep in their bunks. Luke had been asleep for about two hours, maybe, when he was awoken by a strange, muffled cry. He stirred, and slowly opened his eyes, lying there staring up at the ceiling. He waited with baited breath for the noise to come again, but the only sound that could be heard was the gentle snoring of the others.

Luke decided he had probably imagined it, and pulled his blankets up further to escape the cold of the tour bus at night. Just as he was drifting off, the noise came again, but louder this time. It was a pained noise, and Luke didn't have to guess where it was coming from.

He slowly and quietly pulled back the curtain of his bunk, only to see Michael's face peering out through the darkness, staring right back at him. Luke remained still, the two staring into each others eyes, and he knew that Michael had heard it too.

Calum's strangled whimpers were the only thing that cut through the silence of the tour bus - small, yet heart-wrenching noises that broke Luke's heart. He watched as Michael swung his legs over the edge of his bunk, and quickly yet quietly made his way down the ladder. Luke followed suit.

They stood in the aisle, unsure of what to do next. Of course, Calum had had nightmares before - they were, in fact, a particularly common occurrence, but they had always chosen to ignore them, for Calum's sake. They didn't want to embarrass him, to have him close off completely. But now Luke and Michael had both caught each other, they didn't have much choice but to intervene. It sounded horrible of them, but they did it for Calum.

It appeared that Ashton had heard too, because his head was now sticking out from behind his curtain, his hair a curly mess and his eyes blinking at them through the dark. If it were not for the troubled cries of the bassist, Ashton would almost have laughed at how awkward Michael and Luke looked standing there, completely helpless.

Luke was the first to actually talk, because he was frightened. He didn't know what to do, or how to help. "What do we do?" He whispered through the jet black of the night, barely audible.  
Ashton didn't reply, but instead pulled himself out of the bunk and stood to face the only bunk left with the curtain still drawn.

Luke watched as Ashton gently drew back the curtain to Calum's bunk, and he felt his heart lurch when he saw the state his friend was in. Calum was tossing and twisting in the thin blankets - he had kicked them off and they were now tangled around his legs. He was drenched in sweat despite the freezing air of the bus, and he had tears running down his pale cheeks. His hands gripped desperately at the sheets, his head shaking from side to side as he muttered "no" and "please" repeatedly, and continued to moan. His dark, messy hair was also drenched, and stuck to his clammy forehead.

Luke nearly let out a cry himself at the mere sight of him. He was rooted the spot, frozen in place - he could only watch as Ashton gingerly reached out to run a large hand through the kiwi's hair in an attempt to soothe the fitful boy.

At that moment, Calum bolted upright with a choked scream, making the others jump. He would've hit his head, were it not for Ashton's hand preventing him from hurting himself. Calum sat on the bed gasping and sobbing, tears running freely down his face, his hands gripping the sheets so tightly his knuckles turned white.

Calum continued to breathe in short, shallow gasps, whimpering as he desperately tried to calm himself, only making the situation worse. Luke felt sick as he watched the horrific scene unfold in front of him. How could someone so young be in so much pain?

He sunk down to his knees beside Ashton, with Michael behind him, but was careful not to crowd the boy. Only then did Calum actually register the others, as he turned to look at them and began crying even harder. His entire frame shook and trembled from the force of his sobs and from his sheer terror. Luke couldn't imagine what Calum had dreamt, and it terrified him to even think about it.

Calum's face was hid in his hands now, and Luke watched the way they shook fiercely. Ashton reached out and placed his hands on Calum's legs to try and calm him down, rubbing them back and forth in a gentle motion. But the boy started at the contact, and only tried to shrink further into himself.  
Luke's heart shattered.

"Calum, buddy, you have to tell us what's wrong." Ashton's voice was gentle and calm like Luke had never heard it before, but he knew it was only masking the fear that all of them felt. Calum's whimpers didn't subside, and he simply shook his head as he continued to tremble. The cold air and sheen of sweat didn't help Calum's constant shaking at all, and Luke reached to pull a blanket around the boy's shoulders.

Thankfully, the Kiwi accepted the gesture, and pulled it tighter around himself.  
"Calum, please, we only want to help you..."  
The Kiwi stared at the floor, sniffling, avoiding making eye contact with any of his bandmates. Luke could tell he was embarrassed now, as the tears began to build up again in Calum's glassy eyes and his cheeks were flushed a bright red in contrast to his pale skin.  
"Hey, shhh, it's okay," Luke soothed, "everything is okay."

_'Nothing is okay'_ , Luke told himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long chapter, I hope you like it!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I think there's something wrong with me..."

It took all of them about an hour to calm Calum down, and even then he was still jittery. Michael had never seen Calum in such a state before, and it was terrifying. Michael remembered how sometimes when they were younger Calum would have nightmares at sleepovers, and Michael would always be there to comfort him. When they had outgrown staying at each others' houses, Calum would call Michael in the dead of night, and Michael would tell Calum what he needed to hear; that it was alright, that Michael would always be there for him. But the nightmares had never been that bad before.

They sat there, the four of them, at 2 in the morning in the lounge area of the tour bus. Calum sat on the sofa with Ashton next to him, and Michael and Luke sat on the floor. Michael sat with his back against the side, the cool metal chilling him through his thin pj t-shirt.

With an unsettling feeling, Michael noticed how the light of the moon shining through the window and onto Calum made the younger boy look more ghostly than ever; it accentuated all the shadows of his face, made him look pale and gaunt.

They sat around Calum, patiently, as he took small sips of water from a glass Ashton had given him. The only sound that could be heard on the bus was the small, timid sipping noises. Michael noticed how Ashton sat closer to Calum than he normally would, in an almost protective way.

Michael couldn't stand the deadly silence any longer. His worry for his best friend overwhelmed his patience.   
"Cal, you need to tell us what's wrong."  
Calum froze, slowly bringing the cup away from his lips and resting his hands on his lap in an attempt to stop them from shaking. Michael hated how Calum still refused to look any of them in the eye. Instead, he just stared at the floor like no one else was there.   
After a full minute of agonising silence, Calum finally opened his mouth.   
"I can't." He croaked out, his voice still hoarse from screaming. He gave a barely noticeable shake of his head.   
Ashton and Luke sighed in unison. Michael, instead, sat there in silence, staring at Calum and trying to work out what was going on in the younger boy's head. The kiwi's face was expressionless and unmoving. Michael felt the need for answers growing.

"Calum, please, you know you can talk to us, right?"  
"I can't" Calum repeated.   
"Why not?" Michael's voice cracked slightly.   
Silence.

Michael chewed his lip as he waited. He was trying to be patient, he really was, but this had been going on for far too long. It was as if Luke read Michael's mind: "Calum, you have to tell us. We can't keep doing this any longer. You're tearing the band apart."

Michael perhaps wouldn't have worded it quite so harshly, but it was true. Calum finally looked up, his mouth parted slightly and his eyes brimming with tears. He looked _hurt_.   
"I- I'm sorry..." He choked out. "I didn't... Didn't want..."  
"Cmon, Cal, it's okay, just tell us what the matter is." Ashton rubbed Calum's back comfortingly while shooting daggers at Luke.   
"I c-can't..."  
"Why not, Calum?" Michael shouted, his anger getting the better of him. He glared at the kiwi. How could he think this was okay? How could he ignore them for months on end, and then refuse to tell them why?

"Because I don't know!"

The others sat there in silence, staring at each other in confusion. Ashton and Michael shared a glance, before Ashton quietly asked "What do you mean, Cal?"

"I don't know what's wrong..." Calum sobbed out. "I- I think there's something wrong with me, Ash." He went back to hiding his face in his hands, tears slipping through his fingers and landing on the floor.

The silence returned. None of them knew what to say. Michael, for one, was confused. That wasn't a proper answer...there had to be something, anything...

"Okay, well...uh... How can we help?" Ashton asked, gently tilting Calum's face away from his hands and towards him.   
"You can't." Calum sniffled. Michael was growing desperate at this point. It was the first time in months Calum had actually opened up to them, and they were getting nowhere.   
"You need to tell us! Please, Cal, I'm begging you. I need you back Calum, buddy, please!" Michael cried out, moving forward now and kneeling in front of Calum. He ran his hand through the boy's hair, as an encouragement. It didn't work.

"It was just a dream, Michael."   
Michael's mouth fell open. Calum was gone again, and this empty shell of his friend was back in his place.   
"It was just a dream, I'm fine. Go back to bed. Please."

"Calum, no-" Luke started, but Calum abruptly stood up, pushed past Ashton and made his way back to his bunk as quickly as possibly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Calum will break if he ever lets go.

And so it carried on. It was killing Ashton, slowly but surely. He had always been the father of the group, had always been there for all of them. But he couldn't be there for Calum, because he didn't know how.

The next day, Calum blanked them all completely. Ashton tried to get him to talk, but all he got in return was silence. So as he sat in the dressing room alone, he called Mali. Mali-Koa knew Calum better than anyone did. Of course, Ashton never told Calum this but he and Mali had been calling each other for months. She was perhaps even more worried for her little brother than any of the others, so it was natural for her to check up on him, but Ashton also needed someone to confide in other than Michael or Luke.

"Ashton?"  
"Hi Mali."  
"What's wrong, is Calum okay?" It was as if Mali could sense the desperation in Ashton's voice.  
"Is he ever?" Ashton sighed. "He had another nightmare last night. It was bad, Mali. Really bad..."  
"Oh god, what happened?"  
"Well we woke him up, and he was crying and screaming..." Ashton had to pause to regain his composure. He was near to tears himself. "And- and then we calmed him down and got him to talk to us, and he said..."  
"Tell me what he said, Ashton." Mali's voice was firm; she reminded him almost of a mother.  
"He said that- that he couldn't tell us what was wrong, because he didn't know what it was, and that he... He thought something was _wrong_ with him, Mali"  
"Oh." Ashton can hear Mali's muffled sobs through the phone, and it sets him off too. He rubs a hand over his face and breathes in deeply, but the tears kept coming.  
"What do we do, Mali?" He managed to splutter out.  
"I don't know, Ash, I don't..." She hung up, leaving Ashton sat in silence. He blinked to clear his watery eyes, until his vision wasn't so blurry anymore.

"Ashton."  
Ashton nearly fell off of his seat. He spun around, to see Calum stood there in the doorway. His voice was harsh and cold, it didn't sound like Calum. Not at all.

"Who was that on the phone?"  
"It was, err... It was just, my, um, my mum."  
"No it wasn't" Calum spat out. "You were just talking to my sister, weren't you?"  
"I...um, I-"  
"Don't lie to me Ashton. You know, I thought I could trust you?"  
Ashton was speechless. "Y- You can, Calum!"  
"No, I can't. How long have you been doing this?"  
"Huh?"  
"How long- have you been calling my sister?" Calum's voice was filled with anger.  
Ashton hung his head. "A couple months, maybe..." Any power Ashton once had was gone. He was scared of Calum. Not scared of what Calum was doing or what he was saying, but scared of breaking the younger boy. He was snapping - it was clear for anyone to see. Calum was _broken_.

"Why?" Calum shouted at him. "Why would you tell her? Now she'll tell my parents, and my whole family will know, and they'll be worried-" Calum's breath hitched in his throat. "They'll make me go home, Ashton, they won't let me perform, they'll tell someone and then someone will come and take me away," Calum's rambling now, and he's getting choked up and the tears are coming back all over again. "Something's wrong with me Ash, somethings wrong, don't let them take me! Please, don't-"

Ashton jumps up and rushes over to where Calum is falling to pieces. "Hey, hey, shhhh. It's okay Calum, nothing's gunna happen, no one's going to get you, okay? I promise."

Michael and Luke are there now, watching silently, with concern painted across their faces. Ashton hugs Calum as close to him as possible, stroking his dark hair and his back, clinging to him as if Calum will break if he ever lets go.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something is very wrong.

Luke knows now that this is out of their hands. There is nothing they can actually do to help Calum. It's apparent now that there is something _very_ wrong, that they can't help. That thought alone was what scared Luke.

Ashton and Calum had sat there on the floor for at least ten minutes, with Calum sobbing into Ashton's shoulder, and Ashton cradling him in his lap until eventually the kiwi just drifted off. After they left him to sleep in the dressing room, Luke, Ashton and Michael went to the cafe just around the corner from the venue to talk.

"He needs help." Luke says, staring down at the table, surprising the other two. Luke usually stayed quiet during these conversations, conversations which had gradually become more and more frequent over the past couple months.   
"I hate to admit it, but there's nothing we can do. We've tried, right?"

"Yeah," Ashton agreed, "we have." Luke didn't fail to notice how Ashton's voice wobbled when he said that, and the quick look Michael shot the eldest suggested he didn't either.

"We'll call his parents tomorrow. They'll know what to do." Michael suggested. Although Michael's tone was gentle, it was more of a demand.

The other two nodded in agreement. And then they all sat there in silence. They didn't order anything, because none of them were hungry.

After a few minutes, Luke noticed with dismay a group of fans staring at them and giggling from across the small cafe. While he tried his best to ignore them, eventually they made their way over to them, asking for pictures. Ashton accepted because he didn't want to be rude, but he could tell that the eldest would much rather have just left. After they had all taken pictures and were walking away, one of them asked, rather shyly, "Where's Calum?"

Luke knew the girl meant well, but at that point, he was just tired - scratch that, he was exhausted.   
"It doesn't matter." He muttered, fiddling with his hands.

"Oh. Is he ill, or something?"

"He said, it doesn't matter!" Michael retorted, slamming his fist down on the table, making it shake. Almost everyone in the cafe went quiet, and Luke could feel everyone staring at them. The girl looked close to tears, and quickly scurried away with a quiet "sorry."

Luke and Ashton stared at Michael from across the table with their mouths wide open.   
"Michael!" Ashton hissed.   
"What?" Michael sneered. "Luke said it didn't matter, so she should've just listened."

"That doesn't mean you should take your anger out on the fans! She was only asking a question!" Ashton looked defeated.   
"Calum is none of her business." Michael pushed his chair back from the table and stormed out of the cafe, presumably back to the venue, leaving Ashton and Luke sat together, but feeling desperately alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They were too late.

When Michael returned to the dressing room, he found Calum on the sofa, sleeping peacefully. As he stood over him, Michael could've cried at how small his best friend looked, huddled in a large black jumper, curled in on himself against the leather cushions. Even his once-skin-tight jeans were now baggy on his thin frame.

His face was a grey colour, so pale in contrast to how tanned the boy once was - deathly pale, almost, with no colour left in his cheeks; his dark eyelashes stood out against them. Calum's hands were balled against his chest, as if he were protecting himself from something unseen.

Michael felt an overwhelming need to talk to Calum, to comfort him. It felt like he hadn't talked to him properly in so long. He kneeled down by the sofa, and gently shook him by the shoulder.   
"Cal," he whispered softly, looking down at the sleeping boy. "It's me, Michael."  
There was no response.

Michael shook him a little more firmly this time. "Calum."

Nothing.

As Michael continued to shake, he heard a slight rattle. He traced the noise back to Calum's hands. Slowly unfolding them and shuddering at how cold the younger boy was, Michael found a small bottle in the kiwi's grasp. A bottle of pills, with only a couple left in there.

Michael's heart sunk. He felt sick.   
"Calum, wake up."  
Silence.   
"Calum, please! Tell me you didn't do it, Calum, tell me you didn't..."  
He gingerly lifted his hand to Calum's neck - it was ice cold, and Michael could feel no pulse.   
Next, Calum's bony wrist - again, no pulse. Michael could feel tears rising.   
He hovered over Calum now, listening for breath. For any sign at all that Calum was still alive. But nothing came.

"Calum, buddy, please... Please don't leave me," Michael sobbed.   
Michael's legs collapsed underneath him and he sunk to the floor. He couldn't breathe. It wasn't real. It couldn't be. He had talked to him only hours ago. It couldn't be real.   
"Come back Calum I'm begging you, please Calum, PLEASE..." The sobs came freely, wracking his whole body, and the tears streamed down his face. "Calum!" He screamed until his throat was sore. "Someone, please...help..."

Michael buried his face into Calum's jumper, breathing in his scent. He held the boy as close as possible, like it could bring him back to him. He ran his hands through his hair, stroked his cheeks and just held him. It wasn't real. Calum was fine. He had to be.

He didn't even hear Ashton and Luke enter the room, barely registered the way Ashton ran over as fast as he could and the way he pushed Michael aside, gently yet with haste. He checked for a pulse, for breathing but found nothing. Michael lied on the floor sobbing as Luke stood speechless in the doorway, and Ashton's hand came to his mouth to stifle his cries.

They were too late. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like it even though it's kinda sad haha, two chapters left :)


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why had Calum done this?

Ashton remembers how the paramedics came to take Calum's body away; how he had to hold Michael back as he screamed at them to leave his best friend alone, and how Luke ran to the bathroom to be sick because he couldn't stand seeing Calum like that. Ashton felt sick too, but like always, he tried to stay strong. He tried to.

He remembers how he was the one to call Mali and tell her because he was the one who always called her anyway, and why break tradition now? As always, it ended with them both crying, just this time, it was for a very different reason.

Ashton remembers how he was the one to tweet to tell the fans what had happened, and how the fans said that he had to be joking because Calum was always so happy, wasn't he? He always smiled in pictures so of course he had to be happy. Of course Ashton was lying.   
Ashton wished that that was the truth; that it was all some big joke. But it wasn't.

Maybe Calum expected that ending his life would end everything else, but he was wrong. It just ripped Ashton apart even more now, because he couldn't understand why. Why would he kill himself?

Michael had gone into denial. One day it was "Calum isn't dead", the next it was "someone must've murdered him" and so on. It made the whole thing so much harder - having to explain to Michael that no, Calum had killed himself. Calum had swallowed a bottle of pills and wasn't coming back.

Luke went silent. Didn't say a word, just followed Ashton around and cried silently because he didn't want to make this any worse. He didn't want anyone to hurt more than they already had to.

Ashton remembers how he was the one to greet Calum's parents at the airport and tell them how he was so very sorry and act like he hadn't lost a member of his own family too.

Why had Calum done this? Ashton would never understand.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Death is inevitable anyway.

There they are, the three of them, sat in a church watching their best friend be buried. To Luke, it just felt wrong. Because Calum was so young and had so much ahead of him and he should've been happy. And now, it felt like they were at someone else's funeral, watching someone else being submerged six feet into the ground, and that Calum should be stood right next to them. But he wasn't there. He was in a coffin, lying there, lifeless and dead.

Ashton was the first to speak; he told everyone how much he loved Calum, and how much he would miss him. The usual. While it was pretty basic, Luke understood. Ashton was the strongest out of them and just put on a brave face for everyone else. Of course he was grieving just as much as the next person, but Luke knew Ashton had never liked funerals. "They're pointless", he would say. He knew that Calum would understand too.

When Michael spoke, he had so much to say. So many memories to cram in from their childhood up to the present. It had always been Michael and Calum, Calum and Michael, right from the beginning. When Michael started crying, no one stopped him. Luke didn't think Michael would ever stop crying - it was all he seemed to do nowadays.

When it was Luke's turn, quite naturally, he felt sick. While he made it through the majority of the speech without messing it up entirely, he couldn't stop stuttering or choking out some words in an attempt to stop himself from crying. Mali's relentless staring didn't help. Of course she would stare, where else was she supposed to look? But it made Luke even closer to tears, because he couldn't even begin to imagine how she felt. She had lost her little brother. The only sibling she had. And Calum wasn't ever coming back.

The whole thing just felt fake. Like he was only saying these things to please everyone else. Of course he meant it, every word of it, but Luke felt like there was so much that was missing. So much more he wanted to say, but didn't know how.

He got through his speech. They all did. They left with everyone else, for the sake of respect, but didn't fail to return as soon as they could. Michael visited the grave nearly everyday, whereas Luke and Ashton would go a couple of times a week. Because it was hard.

Luke loved Calum, but hated him too. Why would he leave them? It was selfish of Luke to think, yet he couldn't stand this feeling he had inside of him. That he could've done something.

But there was nothing any of them could've done.   
_Inde morte quamlibet_ ,  
Death is inevitable anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's the end! I really hope you enjoyed this. There will be a part 2 soon :)


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